This is the first night Saylor has gone with Jordan to visit him and stay overnight. The only other time he has come and taken her is when he took her the the aquarium for about 2 1/2 hours one day. That's it.
I have been kinda a mess. I can't decide if I want to cry my eyes out, or throw up. I have never experienced a night without my baby.
What hurt the most, and still hurts, is when he was here to take her, she kept reaching for me. He would hold her and she just wanted mommy. I feel almost like a bad mother for "making" her go with him when she wanted me so badly...but then I remember that she needs a relationship with her father too and that's how she will get it I guess.
Luckily my mom and her friend let me tag along with them tonight. It helped get my mind off things a little.
I hate this. I hate life like this. It's horrible and I hate hate hate it. I hate the contention and fighting and just everything. I don't know what else to say except I hate this life and I wished Saylor didn't have to go through this.
But, I did all I could to prevent it. Nothing changed and I am only in control of myself and my behavior and actions.
I am just dreading eighteen long years of this. I know though, that it will get easier and we'll all get used to it. I just don't know why life had to happen this way.
It's hard watching friends have their second babies...and here I am, going through a divorce. Then I think about Saylor, and I wouldn't trade anything in the world for her. She is truly my rock and helps me more than she can comprehend everyday.
So I'm going to be a tough mommy, be content, and get some sleep so I can adequately care for her when she comes back tomorrow. I can't wait.
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