I Miss School..

Sometimes I wonder to what extent everyone judges each other, and what eventually stops them. Is it guilt? First I should ask...is it stopped consciously or unconsciously?

Nobody knows each other's situations or backgrounds. So how can you judge anyone else's?

I know it is human nature to automatically judge to a point. We can't help it, we initially judge to a certain level upon meeting someone.

Our brains categorize people right when we look at them.

However, who knows what's behind the outer layer? We don't.

 

What also plays into judgement of others? It could be morals, personality, and especially preconceived stereotypes.

 

Judgement affects people more than it may seem at first.

It destroys relationships. It ruins character. It prevents relationships from forming. 

 

When I drive, I always wonder where everyone is going and what they are all thinking. I wonder why some people are so nervous and anxious about others seeing them and knowing them personally, and others are an open book. What makes them different? Just personality?

 

I guess if everyone was the same, this world would be boring. We all fit together in a perfect way...with our variety of personalities and characters.

 

However, we all have a similar base. In my psychology of morality class, we talked about how people do not have the drive to kill just to kill. There is always a motive or they blame it on something (or someone) else, like a higher authority- such as men in the army. If they are told to shoot someone, they place the blame on who told them to do it.

People who drop nuclear bombs, etc, have no emotional impact of it because they cannot see the humans they are killing.

 

My capstone psychology teacher, Professor Stark, died a week after finals week last semester. I still think about him all the time and am still in shock over his sudden death.

In his class, we were all supposed to read a psychology journal article and teach it to the class. One day, a guy used Prof Stark and another student to argue about gun control in front of the class as an example of his topic. Prof Stark argued FOR guns being legal among everyone.

Ironically, he died about two months later from an accidental gunshot. It makes me sick.

 

I'm not sure what this whole post was about...I just wanted to write what was on my mind. I do miss school and learning about such a complex, amazing topic.

 

I need to go back and get my master's degree now!!!

 

The Ugly Words: Divorce and Death

Well, our divorce was final yesterday.

July 17, 2013.

The court waived the 90 day waiting period and signed it quick.

 

I am not sure if that was a blessing or not.

 

There are still lots of emotions in all of this, but above all, I guess this is where we're at, and I'm going to continue to move on with my life.

 

These last 9 months have been such a roller coaster. One year ago I would have never ever imagined my life would have been like this.

 

I guess though, through it all, I've grown immensely. I've met a lot of people, come to know so many helpful resources, gotten a lot of help, and finished school. It's time for me to take the next step in this new life. My plan now is to find a job, find a really good daycare for Saylor...and find a place for the two of us to live.

 

Lately I have been wondering why this has happened to me. My life was supposed to be perfect. I had it all planned out. We were one week away from buying our first house. We had our sweet baby girl and our two dogs. We had a great income. I was just about to finish school. Then...one night changed it all.

 

I am so grateful I have Saylor to help me through each day. She truly is a blessing. I am grateful I was able to finish school. I am grateful I have my dog to cuddle with me at night. I am grateful for my parents for providing everything they have for me. I am grateful for all my family and friends and their love and support towards me.

 

So to finish school, I had two classes left at Dixie in St. George. One was online, and one was in the classroom. Luckily I was able to take the classroom one over web cam from home in Alpine. My professor, Patrick Stark, helped me so much with this. He set up Skype with me, and every day he would connect with me via web cam, making sure I could hear the class and helping me interact with them. He helped me with my Capstone paper (the final project Psych major's have to do). I felt like I developed a good relationship with him.

Well, I was reading an email from the psych department just stating updates, and I discovered that Professor Stark died the week after finals week from an accidental gun shot. All his students were notified, I just hadn't read my Dixie email so I didn't know until now. I have just been in shock ever since. I can't believe it, it's just so so sad. He was an awesome teacher.

You can find his obituary HERE.

 

It has helped me realize how fragile life really is and to enjoy every minute of it. You never know what could happen.

Love others, forgive easy.

 

Experiencing a divorce is emotionally similar to experiencing a death.

Let me tell you, it's definately emotionally taxing experiencing both.



Eighteen Years

This is the first night Saylor has gone with Jordan to visit him and stay overnight. The only other time he has come and taken her is when he took her the the aquarium for about 2 1/2 hours one day. That's it.

 

I have been kinda a mess. I can't decide if I want to cry my eyes out, or throw up. I have never experienced a night without my baby.

 

What hurt the most, and still hurts, is when he was here to take her, she kept reaching for me. He would hold her and she just wanted mommy. I feel almost like a bad mother for "making" her go with him when she wanted me so badly...but then I remember that she needs a relationship with her father too and that's how she will get it I guess.

 

Luckily my mom and her friend let me tag along with them tonight. It helped get my mind off things a little.

 

I hate this. I hate life like this. It's horrible and I hate hate hate it. I hate the contention and fighting and just everything. I don't know what else to say except I hate this life and I wished Saylor didn't have to go through this.

 

But, I did all I could to prevent it. Nothing changed and I am only in control of myself and my behavior and actions.

 

I am just dreading eighteen long years of this. I know though, that it will get easier and we'll all get used to it. I just don't know why life had to happen this way.

 

It's hard watching friends have their second babies...and here I am, going through a divorce. Then I think about Saylor, and I wouldn't trade anything in the world for her. She is truly my rock and helps me more than she can comprehend everyday.

 

So I'm going to be a tough mommy, be content, and get some sleep so I can adequately care for her when she comes back tomorrow. I can't wait.

 

 



This Dream

Last night I had a dream that I was driving on the freeway, coming up to the point of the mountain, and suddenly my car immediately stopped and my brakes went into full gear. My car stopped moving forward and braked so fast, that it completely flipped forward and landed upside down.

 

I totally felt it. As my car stopped and braked so forcefully, I could not breath. My seat belt was holding me in so hard and I felt it pierce into my stomach.

 

After my car tipped, I remember laying there upside down, strapped in, and hoping the cars behind me wont run into my car. I didn't really know what to do...but just lay there with the blood rushing to my head.

 

All of a sudden a woman appeared with a magazine...almost like an angel and I think the magazine was the Ensign. I remember thinking about Saylor, and the woman asked me what I needed to do. She had me read a paragraph from this magazine, and what I got from it and all I could communicate while unable to breath was the word "prayer".

 

I woke up in bed, and in shock. I was laying on my back and my hands were on my stomach pressing down a little hard. I quickly got the impression that my dream was related to my life the past couple months...and that I needed to write this down.

 

8 months ago I would have never ever ever imagined myself being in this position. Everything was going just fine (I thought), we were about to sign on our first house, Saylor was 8 months old, I was finishing school...things were good. I was cruising along just like I was in my car in my dream. Then all of a sudden, it stopped. Completely stopped. So fast, that my world flipped upside down...and I couldn't breath. I was stuck hanging upside down, unaware of what happened, scared of other things hitting me, and clueless of how to escape.

 

Just like in my dream, holding onto the Gospel has gotten me through. I know it's a little cliche, but that lady in my dream really did speak the truth. PRAYER is what I need to focus on...and that is what is going to continue to help me get out of this wreck.

 

I know I've already come so far, met so many awesome people, and accomplished my goal of finishing school. Now I am researching Master's degree programs in psychology, and I have an appointment this Friday with an admissions worker from a school in Draper.

 

I don't know what my future holds, but I do know that God is right here guiding me through it all.

One thing I learned in school in neuroscience, is that a lot of scientists believe that dreams occur when the neurons in your brain obtaining information randomly connect to one another during sleep. Which makes dreams very random and unable to understand...because they are random neurons just making random connections.

BUT I don't always believe this is true. My spiritual side disagrees with this science and I know sometimes you have dreams for a reason, and it's up to you to determine the meaning of them for yourself and your situation.

Pool Party

The weather is getting warmer, which brings my spirits up after the dark and dreary winter of my life.

Things are definitely looking up in my life, too.

 

I'm moving forward with things, which seem to be working out well so far.

 

Anyway, like probably other moms do, I live through my daughter a lot. I get waay more excited buying toys for her than she gets.

 

Every time I take Saylor out in the backyard to walk around and play with the dogs, she ends up playing in the dog water and tipping it all out. Actually, she does this almost on a daily basis inside the house too.

 

So I thought "I need to get her a little pool to splash in", and that's exactly what I did.

I got her a new swimming suit, a pool, an outside chair, and some chalk. The girl could live outside if I let her...and she needed some things to keep her entertained instead of leaves and dirt.

 

We got her swimmy suit on, sun screened her all up and were out.

Ok, it wasn't TOO hot, so I many multiple trips in and out of the house with a bowl of warm water to get enough in her pool to splash in.

 

She had a blast. She got in her pool...then out. Then in...then out.

She splashed all over the place.

 

 

Graduation

It's late and I'm tired...

but this is the official night of my graduation so I better write something about it.

 

My journey through college has been difficult. I started right after high school (Fall, 2006), and have gone and stopped off and on since. I had a hard time figuring out what to major in- like everybody else usually deals with at some point.

 

So, a couple semesters I would not go, thinking I was going to do hair school or something. Finally I decided psychology was right for me. At this point I am so glad I stuck with my goal to get my degree.

 

A lot has happened in my life while I was in college.

I lived with my grandparents and went to SLCC.

I lived at home and went to UVU.

I got married.

I continued at Dixie where I have now graduated from.

We are the first class to graduate from "Dixie State University" (not Dixie State College anymore).

 

I studied my heart out. I worked hard. I put school first.

 

I took some of my hardest classes a couple of semesters ago while I was pregnant with Saylor. Pb&j sandwiches, me waddling around on campus with my huge tummy, and long school days remind me of that semester at Dixie.

 

In one way I feel like I've learned SO much about psychology...

Then on the other hand, I sit and think, "what the hell have I learned!?"

This gives me an impression that it's not just about learning, it's about obtaining knowledge and growing personally from it.

I haven't just learned, I have grown.

 

When I pictured my graduation day in the past, I would have never imagined it would look like this.

I did picture having a child. I also pictured having a husband.

I pictured walking at my graduation, and my family cheering me on. That was my dream.

 

However, my family here did everything to make me feel special since I did not get to walk at Dixie. I appreciate and love them soo much for doing this for me.

 

I have so many mixed emotions about how my life is right now during this time. It's all so unexpected...but I know I am moving forward and doing what I should.

 

I feel proud at what I have accomplished. When I started college I could hardly picture finishing. It felt so so far away.

 

It has definitely been a hell of a journey, but I have grown so much. I have proved to myself that I can do hard things and accomplish my goals.

 

I feel like it is a true blessing that I have my degree now at this time in my life. This is just when I really need it.

 

I am so thankful for the family that I do still have, who have always supported me and been there to help me on this journey.

 

[I also got to graduate the same time my cousin, Devin did..which is awesome. We have always been so much alike and so close, it's really cool that we got to share this experience together.]

 

xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remember...

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something great."